What’s In A Name?

When I was christened in 2002, I do not know if my parents had any idea how symbolic and significant a name they had chosen for me. My first name ‘Althea’ – which is Greek , translates to ‘healing’, while my surname ‘D’Cruz’, is  Spanish, and translates to ‘of the Cross’. So, my name literally translates to ‘Healing of the cross’, and let me tell you, I have never needed anything more in life than the Healing of Jesus’ sacrifice on the Cross. My middle name ‘Rita’ was given to me because I was born on the feast of St. Rita, and guess what- St. Rita is the Patron Saint of heartbroken women.

My name is Althea Rita D’Cruz and this is my testimony….

Early Childhood

 I grew up in a Catholic household in which faith was taken very seriously. Ever since I was a preschooler, my grandmother would tell me Bible stories like the story of Creation, the story of Joseph, The parable of The Wise and Foolish Virgins, and the story about the rich man and Lazarus. My father is a devout Catholic and is a very strict man. Ever since my siblings and I could understand the basics of the Catholic Mass, he made it a ritual to ask us questions about the readings of the day… which books of the Bible were the readings from? What did they say? And what did the priest say in the homily? What hymns were sung? And many more. My mother was very particular about evening prayer and would not let us sleep until prayer time was over. Being taught about all this  from such a young age, I had a strong foundation in my faith….or so I thought.

The turn away from God

My whole world turned upside down in May 2013. My parents sat my two younger siblings and I down and told us that they intended to live separately. The question put to us was,“Which parent do you want to live with?” I was just ten years old and had no idea how or what to answer.

I decided to stay with my father and I remember that scene to this day. My mum’s brother arrived to pick her up, she left with my brother, and sister, while I stood there beside my dad, tears in my eyes. Life after that night was never the same. There was no joy, no peace, and no love. Only anger, pain and hate remained. I could not forgive my mother for choosing to walk away. Further, the separation of my parents put a strain on my relationship with my siblings, for we were on opposite sides of the war. Life in the initial years after their separation could be compared to a war zone; a minefield. Tensions were high and every move had to be made after considerate deliberation, because one wrong step would blow everything up in your face. The worst part of being the eldest; I was often caught in the crossfire.

After that experience I used to think – ‘if there is a God, He would not have let this happen to me.’ The Bible says in Matthew 19:6, “What God has joined together, let no man separate (ESV)”.  I wondered if God knew what an impact that marriage was going to have. Why did He let three innocent children in the picture?  Whenever I thought things could not possibly get any worse, I was proved wrong all. Hence, while it never reached a stage where I doubted the existence of God, I never acknowledged His goodness, His presence, and His love.

Life without Jesus

I started experiencing anxiety and depression from a young age. I ran away from all my problems, diverting my mind from everything that was happening at home in the best way I could. I succeeded at that until COVID-19 happened.  With the onset of the pandemic and quarantine, I had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I had to face my demons and the only way out of this mess was through it. I was not equipped to face the things that I ran from for almost ten years – pent-up emotions, hate, pain, anger and confusion. Having them rise up to the surface all at once led me to one of my worst mental breakdowns I have ever had. It lasted two years, and during this time my levels of anxiety and depression knew no bounds. I had not slept in months and I was on the verge of trying anything under the Sun to relieve that pain- be it alcohol, drugs and the like. The Grace of God saved me before I took any drastic steps. God came in the nick of time to rescue me.

 I was scrolling through my phone in an attempt to divert my mind when I came across the YouVersion Bible App. I downloaded it and the Verse of the Day on that particular day was from Isaiah 41:10 “ Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”(ESV).

As I repeated that verse in my mind I finally slept that night, after months of crying through the night. When I woke the next morning, I wanted to go back to the place I called ‘home’ during my childhood – church, to the person I lovingly called my Heavenly Father. Surrendering to Jesus was the best thing I have done in my life, though it was not all smooth sailing from there.

When I was nearing my 20^th birthday in May 2022, I started feeling like a failure. I was only ten when my parents separated, and most elders and counsellors I ever spoke to said the same thing – “You shouldn’t cry… you must be strong… being the eldest child it should be your responsibility to bring the family back together”. Fast forward to ten years down the line and I felt like a failure for not being able to bring them back together. Though my mum and dad did not expect me to bring them back together, I felt like I had failed them, like I had failed my brother and sister and myself. I felt I had failed God and the whole world. The sense of failure sent me into a downward spiral, to one of the darkest places my mind has ever been. I lost all self-respect, self-worth, self-identity. I just felt numb, worthless, without purpose. I hated myself…. I even lost the will to live. This time depression overpowered me and the numbness made me want to feel pain; not run from it. I ended up doing things that completely shattered my mental health and caused a lot of emotional pain. I did something I was so ashamed of, that when I wanted to turn to God for help, the shame never allowed me. Eventually, I could take it no more and called out to God, “God! please help me.”

The very next day God used my anxiety and put me into a position in which I had to tell someone what I was doing. On the night of February 19^th 2022, God gave the courage and strength to call my dad and come clean about everything in my mind and how I was mentally torturing myself. After that I surrendered myself  to Jesus again, and started praying everyday. However, the guilt and shame of what I had done continued to torment me for the next seven months.

Hearing about the SRM youth camp was a Godsend. When I left after the camp, I felt freed from the shame and guilt that I was carrying.

Life with Jesus

I can honestly say I can now see the Lord’s hand in every aspect of my life; He’s been there since before I surrendered to Him. Looking back at life- God has always protected me . He took me through my Std. 10 and Std. 12  exams even when I was down and depressed. In 2022 when I had lost the will to live, our college was having our end semester exam for the third semester. I scored the highest percentage of marks in my college life till date in that semester, and was one of the class toppers in Accounts. I know I couldn’t have done that on my own. Apart from academics, having surrendered to Jesus – His love and His sacrifice on the Cross, the blood He shed for you and me, continues to heal me and make me whole. Things I thought to be impossible now seem possible. I have forgiven my mother, I love her and appreciate everything she has done for us.  I love my dad and am super grateful for him and everything he has done for me. I am able to love my brother and sister. I am able to love myself.

I now know I have my identity in Christ. From being someone who was arguably the laziest person in her childhood to being someone who is motivated to look after her body. From being someone who couldn’t speak to anyone, to slowly finding her voice and sharing it with the world… from being someone who hated being seen, to mustering up the courage to  stand and worship and praise Jesus in front of people, from being someone who ate to fill the hole in her life to being mindful of what enters her body, from being a loner to having a community to serve God – Jesus has changed me. He has changed the situations I was in ,He has given me a purpose and meaning to life, something I will surely be grateful for all the days of my life.

If there’s anything to learn from my testimony it is this : Don’t make the mistake I made – to wait till you hit rock bottom to realise you need Jesus and call out to Him. Whatever situation you’re in, no matter how deep you’ve fallen into sin, no matter how far you’ve run from God, the Bible in Psalms 139:7-10 says, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast”(NIV). So just call out to Jesus and He will meet you wherever you may be. He did it for me and He will most definitely do it for you!